Communication issues or something more challenging?
com·mu·ni·ca·tion (noun)
Merriam-Webster defines communication as "the expression to another of information or thoughts through speech, writing, or gestures." A message delivered. A message received. That's it. That is the full and complete definition of communication.
So why do we keep blaming it for problems it didn't cause?
When someone asks "How can I communicate better?" They are rarely asking how to express themselves more clearly. What they are usually asking is: How do I say the right thing so that this person finally changes?
I regret to inform you that there is no magical sequence of words that you can say to make someone change. In many cases, what I’ve learned is that the person working to communicate better is in a relationship where their needs are not being met. These needs may be emotional, physical: there may be a lack of safety, breaches of trust and unfortunately in many cases significant emotional harm. You can tell someone how you feel over, and over, and over, and over again. You can send them the most beautiful powerpoint presentation, podcasts, watch movies, go to therapy individually or together and guess what?!
People do not have to change.
People do not change behaviors they see no problem with.
People do not change behaviors that work for them.
People will say they are going to change and continue to engage in the same behaviors.
And sometimes, people recognize they don’t actually have to change because the people around them will adjust, “stop complaining”, start to expect less, and accommodate them if they just wait long enough.
The best predictor of what a person will do next is what they have done before. This is not to say that people cannot change, I mean here I am a whole Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twenty years of experience in the “business of change and human behavior.” What I am saying is that if a person is actually going to change, you will usually see evidence of said change.
So, if it is not a communication issue what is it? In many cases, it is your unwillingness to sit with the pain and the reality that they heard you just fine. They saw your tears, they heard the crack in your voice and they still chose to engage in the behavior that is causing you such pain. We want so desperately to believe that if a person just understands how bad they hurt us they won’t do it again. That is not true. After all, we have all been in situations where we know how bad they hurt us and still chose to stay. Awareness without action is just information. And information alone has never changed anybody.
May you be released from hyperfocusing on your words, what you say, and how you say it when you know you were clear the first time.
May you stop using “processing” as an avoidance strategy from sitting with your pain. The truth is you are hurting because you know they heard you, why else are they so angry, defensive, and shutting down?
May you be honest about the heartache, the disappointment you feel, and give yourself permission to grieve.
May you release yourself from the idea that their bad behavior is your communication failure.
May you stop rationalizing their behavior under the guise of empathy and understanding “because they have a lot of trauma”. SO DO YOU MY DEAR and you are not treating people like that, are you?!
Accountability, yes we want others to be accountable for their actions.
AND we also have to be accountable for our actions
Everybody wants to be "happy, have peace, be at ease, and live a soft life." If you are in a situation where leaving or changing course feels impossible, or unsafe, that is real and that deserves its own conversation. But for those of us who have options and keep choosing the familiar over the healthy — we gotta stop choosing the struggle.
