Redefining Boundaries: Navigating the Holiday Season
The holiday season often stirs up a mix of emotions, joy, connection, grief, nostalgia, and, for many, intense pressure. It’s a time when obligations increase, the desire to please and perform is at an all-time high, and boundaries are easily blurred under the weight of “shoulds.”
At The Healing Lounge, we talk a lot about boundaries because they are a significant part of working through trauma and patterns of overfunctioning and hyper-independence. Learning that you have a choice, learning to assess and respect your own capacity, allows us to be in relationship with others in ways that are fulfilling.
Redefining Boundaries
One point that I make repeatedly, despite what social media may say…boundaries are about more than saying no.
They’re about recognizing your needs and standing in your truth, even when it’s uncomfortable. Boundaries allow us to learn our limits so that we do not constantly blame others for our exhaustion when we are the ones who said yes. Boundaries are not about controlling someone else’s behavior; they’re about deciding how you will respond when something doesn’t align with your values or capacity.
True boundaries require awareness and self-honesty. They ask you to shift the focus inward:
What do I need right now?
How can I offer support and honor my capacity?
Where have I been overextending myself?
Boundaries & Guilt
The holiday season often magnifies everything, including guilt. Unfortunately, most of us cannot make every gathering, we may forget to send someone a holiday card, and try as we might, a gift or two may miss the mark. In addition, many women feel pressure to host, give, and show up for everyone, often at their own expense. The drive to “do it all” is rarely about the holidays themselves; it’s rooted in old conditioning that tells us our worth is tied to our usefulness.
When you begin to set boundaries, guilt often follows close behind.
It is important to understand what the feelings of guilt are communicating. In most cases, guilt isn’t evidence that you’re doing something wrong; it’s a sign you’re stepping out of familiar roles of overgiving and self-abandonment.
Learning to care for yourself through discomfort is part of boundary work.
Let guilt come along for the ride, but don’t let it steer the wheel.
Your body will let you know…if only you allow yourself to slow down and listen.
Sometimes your body recognizes boundary violations before your mind catches up.
Notice the cues:
You feel a sense of dread before certain gatherings.
You overthink small decisions out of fear of disappointing others.
You leave interactions feeling tense, resentful, or drained.
Listening to your body’s cues is an act of self-trust. It’s where boundary work begins.
Practical Boundaries for the Holidays
Small steps make a big difference. Here are a few ways to practice boundary work this season:
Pause before committing. You don’t owe anyone an instant yes.
Limit your exposure. It’s okay to leave early, skip certain events, or take a break.
Have an “escape plan.” Identify a quiet space or reason to step away if you need to regroup.
Set digital boundaries. You don’t have to respond to every message right away. Limiting time on social media can assist with decreasing your participation in the “comparison game”.
Honor your capacity. Just because you’ve done it before doesn’t mean you can or should this year. Ask for help; our capacity increases when we stop trying to do it all alone.
